There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
