Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
