is wine microwaveable?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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