so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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