I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the condom got lost in my hair
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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