Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
