At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize