Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
