My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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