My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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