Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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