Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize