I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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