My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
