it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
