At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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