So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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