Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
