I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
