you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
