Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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