Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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