I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
