i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
