i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
