so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
