It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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