what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
