I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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