As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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