upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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