i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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