Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
