I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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