I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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