Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
