Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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