U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
