does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
