i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
