Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
