running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
