Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
