your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
