i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
