just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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