i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
