We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
