made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
