i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize