I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
