I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
